Comparing

the year 2010 looms…

It seems to me that 1 year is not far enough behind to mark a noticeable difference. I jump to two years and remember where I was –

Anxious and heartbroken, on my way to Ireland for my study abroad experience. I was so excited to be going, maybe a little overly optimistic and naive – I suppose I didn’t understand that unless you decide to become best friends with someone during orientation, they’ll probably ignore you for the most part. Oh, but Ireland! Not knowing anything about how it would be, I was happy to take this chance, the kind that not everyone gets, and one I worked to create for myself. I knew that when I came back I would have one year left of college, and it would be a great year! (About that, I think I was also overly optimistic and naive.) I was going to see and do so much, and come back with so much valuable experience… I went into the unknown – something, apparently, I do often.

And where I am I now?

I don’t mean that rhetorically. I thought this question and realized that I didn’t know. Where am I? I feel as if I’ve left so many pieces of myself in different places, with different people, in discarded plans and dreams, that there is little left within me. I feel missing. Not constantly, not paralyzingly, but it is there. I would love to gather myself again, to somehow regain a whole. That person could succeed with no problem.

Quite by accident, I have taken on a new project: fixing me. Unfortunately, I don’t even know where to start.

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~ by plaidlylush on December 31, 2009.

One Response to “Comparing”

  1. You don’t sound broken to me. Beginnings are always hard, and it seems like a positive thing that you’ve gotten to experience different situations, life experiences you can draw on as a writer. Just keep your spirits up–as you said in an earlier post, enjoy all those little things you have in you plus column:)

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