Prepare To Be Shocked (?)

I am probably going back to Worcester. That is, I’m leaving California for good (for now, at least) and looking for opportunities elsewhere.

I haven’t looked back at my earlier writings on the move to California, but I imagine I seemed excited and optimistic about the whole thing. What’s changed since then? Well, on the surface, nothing – and that’s the problem. My current living situation, which I intended to be severely temporary, has already gone on longer than I wanted. I have had a few responses to my applications, but they didn’t lead anywhere. The likelihood of me remaining unemployed for a while longer seems high. This being San Francisco, and me having huge college loans, I can’t afford to be unemployed.

And on the inside, my outlook has changed immensely. I’ve been considering all kinds of things pertaining to this situation – why I want to leave, why I might want to stay, why I wanted to come to begin with. …all the possibilites I could pursue in other areas if I went back home. …how much time I’ll have wasted here if I leave. …etc. I have answers to a few of them. The only real reason I wanted to move here was to live with Sonia. While I do still want to, I don’t want to be here. Part of me is ambivalent, wondering if I want to go home because it’d be easier, or if I want to stay just because of a stubborn desire to see my plans through to the end. That part is not as large as it could be, and the other part of me is quicker to realize that my plan was not fully, or perhaps just not realistically, formed, and that it is exceedingly likely that this is not the right place for me right now.

In retrospect – or should I call it during-spect? – part of the problem is that in order to carry out the move to San Francisco, I moved to Mountain View. While I love Mountain View (it’s beautiful, calm, with a really awesome downtown), it isn’t nearly close enough to San Francisco to make the two compatible. If I were actually living in San Francisco, I am sure I would classify any negative feelings I had as homesickness and push through them. In this situation, I have the leisure (which I would rather not have just now) to examine my frustrations and sadness and understand that they come from a desire to be elsewhere, wherever that may be.

Simply put, I can’t continue to do this. If I am here, I need to be on my own – with roommates, of course. If I stay, it has to be because I want to do so, and I really don’t at this point. I feel bad that it took all this time and effort to understand. I feel like I’ve wasted Sonia’s time, her parents’ generosity, and my own time as well. Although I know that sometimes having the experience is necessary to come to the conclusion, but I’d much prefer if I could have known to begin with that this wouldn’t work out.

 

Disclaimer: I haven’t quite made the decision to leave, but it’s on the tip of my … um … part of the brain that makes decisions.

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~ by plaidlylush on November 21, 2009.

One Response to “Prepare To Be Shocked (?)”

  1. I trust you to do what is best.

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