One Day Without Unhappiness

Today is my birthday, and I’m 23, and I suppose I’ll very soon start acting like an actual adult. Today, though, I’m just feeling happy/content and enjoying all the birthday wishes and presents and expectations of further presents.

I find myself wishing I was the woman in my calendar’s February picture. She’s standing next to a body of still water, surrounded by extremely green hills and a beautiful sunset, and she looks extremely content. I am rather jealous of her – not least because the place where she is looks like Ireland. But, like I said, today is my birthday and I’m not allowing space to be jealous of a woman in a picture.

In a few hours, I will be going out for my birthday dinner. I’m anticipating too much now – I should not think about it for at least another hour, but I am so looking forward to delicious tapas and paella that I can’t help being distracted. I don’t want to sit around anymore, I want to go out and have a special birthday dinner.

In my new winter boots.

I think I’ve figured out part of why I am so restless at the moment – it is because the only thing I want to do is create. That could be art, music, writing, knitting, cooking – as long as I am making something. And I want to not have to fit creation around a job I do just to make money. Most people would probably say “Too effing bad.” I feel the urge to ignore those people after responding “Just because you’re unhappy in your work doesn’t mean everyone should be.”

Forgive me that slightly judgmental digression. That’s not what today is about. Today is for being, if not really happy, at least devoid of unhappiness. I’m feeling pleasant on purpose for the whole day. Even though it may not be your birthday, you should try it. It’s quite nice.

Writing

Screw the “Creativity” page. It doesn’t seem to be getting viewed – that is, it actually gets less views than the regular posts. If I want to share a piece of writing, I’m just going to put it up as any other post. Perhaps with the title “Creativity: [Title]”

Relatedly, I need so badly to work on my writing. I have countless stories that need editing and countless more to put down, but I haven’t been giving that aspect of my life much attention lately. I know in part why, but the reason seems too stupid to share. Instead, I suppose I should just start writing.

As they say in Monty Python, “Oh, get on with it!”

2010 Part 1

January is a few hours from over. Strange how quickly it went by. Strange how I gave in and regressed to the job I stopped working in August of 08 because I just need to be making money. I had one interview for a job I was very excited about, that they may have known before having me come to Boston on a very cold day that they weren’t going to hire me, but for some reason wanted to interview me anyway. Most of January wasn’t so bad, but I wouldn’t say 2010 exactly hit the ground running.

My calendar for January asks “When was the last time you courted the Wish Dragons?” This, of course, made me think it would be a good idea to do so, but I never actually did. I wished for things, certainly, but did not go to any lengths to send my wishes very far into the universe… And my birthday is approaching now, and I don’t want to wish for anything. Probably because most of the things that I want to wish for are things that will not be fulfilled.

As tired as I am right now, I have to go to work. I am too young to feel this way.

Employment Musings

The job I currently have – irregular hour, part time, no benefits, etc – is expected to give me a few shifts a week, most of the time – not a very large income, but at least my bank accounts won’t simply continue to deplete. Then yesterday I get called in and suddenly my hours for the week are up to thirty.

I do need to work, I do need the money, but that is not the bottom line. Still, it’s more responsible to have a job of some kind.

I did not get the Editorial Assistant position I was waiting to hear from. I’m not really surprised, despite the interview going very well, because there’s likely to always be someone who has more experience than me – while the economy is this way, and even when it’s not… I’ve been asked to interview for an internship with Barefoot Books (summer, so it’d be a while coming), and that could help me somewhat with the experience issue.

I should be able to tell possible employers that my old jobs (the ones I’ve had while home, that is) both asked me if I wanted to come back to work for them – I didn’t have to go through much to convince anyone to rehire me. That should tell them something important and make them want to hire me.

I read a book recently that reminded me how much I love yarn stores, and certain other types, and how much I would like to have one of my own. Most people, upon hearing that I want to own a store, would probably say to me “why not?” (coupled with “that’ll be a lot of work, you know” or “are you really sure?”) And the truth is, there’s no reason why not. There is a reason why not now, since the idea of starting a business is a little unrealistic for someone who does not really know much about owning/running one, aside from the obvious. It’s in my mind, though, as something that would actually make me happy.

The main worry I have in this regard is that I would be too busy to write, which is, or should be, the most important aspect of my life (not involving other people). If it would not leave me any time to write, I would not want to do it.

Retrospect

I should have learned more about computers. Beyond how to manage word documents and organize files and load software. I should have learned programming-related stuff and, even more prominently, web design. I am more than capable of learning web design in the future, but from what I’ve heard it takes a little more effort than just playing around until you figure stuff out. That makes me wish I already knew it.

I should have made sure I spent more time connecting with people and having a real social life than I did sitting in my room by myself, even if I enjoyed a fair amount of my alone time.

I should have gotten into the habit of exercising while I had free access to a gym (well, after paying many thousands of dollars for college).

I should have spent the past four years working on a novel or two, honing and trimming until I had something I was willing to send out to publishers, writing contests, anthologies upon graduation, to kick-start my life as a writer.

I’m sure that in my life I should have done a lot of things. Now here’s the point: it doesn’t matter what I should have done in the past. It’s good to recognize your mistakes, how you could have better spent your time, etc, but then let them go and move on to the next thing. It’s not about not having regrets, but not letting them hound you and block you. You can regret all you want, but when you start to blame those regrets, you’re going to have a problem. Just move on. A lot of them can probably be fixed, so go forward and give that a try. Do not fantasize about and dwell in the past more than you think about how you can make your life better right now. Trust me; I’ve spent a lot of time doing just that, and it helps nothing. It causes/adds to depression. I know that I need to focus on the present.

Things are not going the way I want them to be. This is my resolution (about a month delay on new year’s. I made new year’s resolutions but they aren’t like this): I will change my life.

Thought for the Night: Moon Cycles

There is a new moon tonight. So strange to refer to it that way. It’s always the same moon that reappears, the same object floating in space.

That is, it is the same physical object.

Perhaps the moon’s essence is reborn every time it disappears behind the night sky, making it new in a different way. Perhaps, like us, it has experiences that make it change, although it remains the same recognizable form – like me, the same body, the same spirit, but altered irretrievably with certain moments in life.

Or it’s just the same moon every time, constant, if inconstant in sight, steadfast, holding her ground.

Today, Sunrise and Sunset Look The Same

The plans of an unemployed person can change quickly – they can also be sparse and rather boring.

On Monday, I heard back from Pearson Education. They asked me to come in for an interview. In order to work with the times they had available, I agreed to come to Boston on Tuesday morning. I had one night to prepare for the interview; I did my best, and made sure to remind myself that I do have desirable qualities and I would do well in the position. The interview went very well, and that is not to say I know one way or the other whether I’m going to get the job, but I feel that I brought many good and useful aspects of myself to light. (Whatever that means.) I want this job because I think I would really like working there. I should have a job that’s a real challenge – if I don’t go for that, I’m just being lazy. I’m not even trying to use my potential. So I WILL go for something like that.

Of course, I know that if I don’t get it, it’s because there is something else, something that’s going to come along REALLY soon, that I’m supposed to do. When you find something that seems to match you so well and it turns out you don’t get to have it, there has to be a reason, right?

I also have re-activated my status as a relief worker to help disabled people, a job I had for two summer breaks and about two weeks in the winter before I went to Ireland. (That was the year I worked on Christmas Eve.) I’ll go in and work when someone calls me, and I’ll make money. I can also be paid to get training for things such as CPR, and doesn’t that sound like something I should take advantage of? I think it does.

Today, I have been typing up a story, breaking for a little film entertainment, and then typing some more. Then, I started to think about the state of my life, and while it could be so much worse, it’s full of doubt and discontentment. These are things that will most likely always be there, but there are times when they will be waiting in the background, or deeply buried, instead of defining features. It feels so wrong this way.

I have managed to be moderately busy this week, but now plans have dropped off, and I have nothing planned until Saturday afternoon.

My mother suggests that if I have to cancel plans with friends in order to work, I should. I have plan-cancelling guilt. Any time I am meant to do something with someone, if it turns out I can’t, I hate cancelling. I feel terrible about it. Does anyone know why that is?

Out the window, the sun adds a bright, golden illumination to the house next door. Right now, the light looks more like that of the beginning of the day, instead of the end.

I dreamed that…

I had stability in all areas of my life, with the addition of surprises that were good and manageable. I had all kinds of people around who loved me, and I was open and able to share my inner workings with at least some of them. I lived in a place that was beautiful and had all of the necessary amenities – that is, I assume they did, as I had absolutely no complaints about it. I was happy with myself, with my body and my mind and my accomplishments. I did not have to worry about jobs and supporting myself. I did work of some kind, and I was happy to do it. I was happy all around.

I didn’t really dream that. But it would have been nice if I had.

Employment Update

Well, things aren’t going entirely as I’d like yet, but they aren’t so grim. The latest news consists of these three things:

1. This week I’ve gotten two responses to applications – both of which are clearly scams. The first told me “you’re hired!” right away, and then brought me to the sketchiest day care website I’ve ever seen. First of all, there are no details aside from the emails of the people who are supposedly running this alleged “day care center.” Then, a quick web search found a duplicate website for a different location – and this is a day care center that is supposed to be run by two single mothers. At this point, I laugh and file away this response into my huge waste of time folder. The second was unclear about whether they were hiring me or not, but the job, listed on Craigslist as “Administrative Clerk,” consists of TRANSFERRING MONEY AND KEEPING A COMMISSION. You know that’s a scam. Once you read this, if you still think it’s a legitimate job, you haven’t read a thing about spotting scams… and even if you haven’t, you have to recognize that it’s a sketchy way to make a living. Why would you want to do that? This is my third scam in all. Let me ask you – HOW am I supposed to get anywhere if half the jobs I apply to are scams? Also, HOW do people not have anything better to do with their time than try to cheat other people for a few bucks?

I really must stress this: if there is any doubt at all, DO NOT respond to this job. Definitely don’t give out personal information unless you’re sure of its security.

2. I have the possibility of a job which, being overnight and on weekends, both removes a significant number of social opportunities and provides ample time for a second job and/or dedicated writing with the intent of publication. Or at least submission for publication. I can’t be absolutely certain they’ll hire me, but I have begun the process and we’ll see what happens. Bonus: job has benefits!

3. I have a “writing internship” for a website which I can almost trust. In this age, we learn to be extremely wary of the internet and any jobs for which you never meet anyone in person. The truth is, if it were a scam, it would be the most effort I’ve ever seen put forth for such an endeavor. Their website is currently in “alpha,” meaning that it is not yet available for general viewing and web search. The site does come up, but currently a lot of cosmetic work, let’s call it, still needs to be done on the site, and what you see if you simply search “littlebiggy.org” is a very amateur looking site on which there are basically no links to click. For the stage in which the website is meant to be, this is perfectly acceptable. What I can’t figure out: not that google is the ultimate resource for all information, but the address to which they want me to send my w-9 form seems to be a housing development, and the person to whom they say to send it is almost nonexistent on the internet. When I searched Googlemaps for littlebiggy inc, it appears in the middle of a Santa Monica Shopping Center – it isn’t a store, so this is rather odd to me. Of course, they often place things wrong on Google maps… the thing is, though, assuming that it is just an elaborate scheme to make people believe they are real, and I believe them and send the tax form so they can pay me almost nothing, then they have my social security number. If more people who are fairly smart but end up believing them send in tax forms, then they have a stack of social security numbers. It would not end well for the people whose identities are then stolen.

Perhaps I’m just very skeptical, but I am hesitating to continue when I think that I’m sending off very personal information to people I have know way of knowing, a company I have no way to verify, for the promise of a very small amount of money, and exposure as a writer on a site that is not yet, shall we say, in circulation. What do you think?

I’ll sum up the rest: I’m waiting to hear back from several places, and I’m trying, trying, trying to search for more opportunities, but the more I find, the more I doubt. That is, I could apply to any anonymous listing for a receptionist, or administrative position, but those have been all the scams so far. Is the chance for a job I don’t really want worth dealing with all of the fake jobs trying to steal my money? I’m trying to be in touch with friends and be at least moderately social, but schedules are often difficult to match up – not that I have much of a schedule,  but when they are free, that’s the little time when I actually do have plans. Ironic, I think. And I’m wishing right now for opportunities to perform as a singer, or to sell some knitting projects. That type of thing either falls into your lap or takes so much legwork that you really need a few extras, in addition to the 2 that most people have.

This has been a production of Life Trying To Hope…

How to Blog so Strangers Will Read It

The world of the blog is… I don’t have anything to follow that. It just IS.

I should not write with the aim of more readers, but then again, if I don’t, why would I bother to write at all? Most writers do not write for themselves – that is, we write because we want to or need to, but not for ourselves as the audience. And so I want people to read my blog, and to want to come back for more. My life, however, does not seem interesting enough to keep strangers engaged…

I feel as if I should make a separate blog for everything. One for job searching only, one for social happenings, another for thought-for-the-night, and a completely different one for creative writing. This blog features all of these, and therefore is uncategorizeable. The most successful blogs seem to be very specified ones, like Julie Powell’s blog about cooking through Julia Child’s book, or The “Blog” of “Unnecessary” Quotation Marks. An unfocused blog is of no interest. An unfocused blog is like an anthology of insignificant works.

“That’s too bad,” says Plaidlylush, author of the blog 3,214 Miles. “It’s meant to be an account of life, all the little things that happen when you try to have one. All the thoughts that pass through your mind when you go about your day, when you come back from seeing a good friend, when you still don’t have a job after six months, a year. Life is not focused and ordered. Life is all that happens, not simply the moments you want to select to make it appear a certain way. Even if all you can remember falls into a certain category, you know as well as I do that life is more of a random collection – some of which can be sorted under sub-headings, but other pieces of which have no choice but to stand alone.”